Pain
The rain comes down, falling softly and steadily. It doesn't deviate from the vertical in its path, there being absolutely no breeze. sometimes it diminishes to a faint mist, but mostly it remains a pure, gentle, straight fall.
It continues for hours. By the end of the day, half an inch will fall.
I used to love the rain.
I still do, but it was more of a wonder when I was younger and could take the time to enjoy it. I like the sounds the rain makes, especially a heavy rain on a metal roof.
As a kid growing up in Southern California, I didn't hear that sound very often. Our house had thick adobe walls and a heavy tile roof. My only opportunity to hear rain on a metal roof was in the car. The car remained in the garage when we were at home, so I only heard rain on metal when we went somewhere. There were lots of other sounds then, too.
Later, when we moved to Washington state and lived in several places around the Puget Sound, I got to hear plenty of rain.
Recently, however, rain has also brought me pain.
I have arthritis.
At first I didn't know the pain was arthritis.
I've always had problems with my knees, ever since I was a kid. In college I learned I could protect my knees by climbing stairs. Building up the big muscle on the front of the upper leg protects the knee. Going up stairs is good, going down stairs is bad because the paradoxical motion -- maximum muscle stress before movement begins -- puts extra stress on the knees. We thought the pain in my lower back was a kidney, and that is what the doctor kept checking for years. I ignored the pain in my hip.
Opening oysters requires a special knife. The blade is short, heavy and triangular in shape. Oyster shuckers wear heavy gloves because the oyster shells are hard, sharp-edged and difficult to open. Handling the shells is too hard on bare hands. A slip of the knife could cause severe damage.
Shelling oysters requires considerable skill, skill developed from practice.
Why are they practicing on my spine? Why do I feel multiple knives stuck in my back, prying my vertebrae apare, popping my ribs away? Why can't they practice on oysters?
Get those shuckers some oysters!
Get them off of my back.
At the time I had my first really bad episode of arthritic back pain, the husband of my wife's friend was experiencing similar pain. His pain was concentrated in his neck. It was worse than mine, bad enough that he couldn't walk unassisted during the initial attack. He didn't have arthritis; the Crab was walking in his bones. Cancer took him in just a couple of months.
Several years ago, Delia started having pain in her teeth, jaw and neck. The doctors said it was TMJ inflamation -- Temporal-Mandibular Joint, the hinge of the jaw, with a form of arthritis -- and she should have a dentist adjust her bite. Then, for years, she complained of pain in her neck and left shoulder. The doctors blamed this on an old neck injury pinching the nerve and sent her off to therapy. For the past year, she has had pain and weakness in her left arm. The doctors blame it on stress.
When she thought she felt a lump in her neck, she went to a different doctor, a throat specialist. He said there was nothing there. She insisted on having an ultrasound scan done. There was something there.
They decided to do a biopsy. They took three small samples. While they were cutting, they reproduced all of the previous pains in the teeth, jaw, neck, shoulder and arm that Delia has been complaining about for a decade.
Witness the proud mother duck with her brood, all trailing after her as she goes. What a fortunate creature.
My own little ducks have become scattered. They no longer follow me. I don't know where they've gotten off to and I keep getting lost when I try to find them.
I've been exercising to reduce the pain. It hurts to exercise, but strengthening my back supposedly will give it some immunity to the pain, the way building up my legs helps my knees. Or, at least, used to help my knees before my right knee developed arthritis. Right now, though, I hurt more, not less.
I've also been attending physical therapy sessions. They were joking when they said that 'PT' also stood for 'Pain and Torment' or 'Punishment and Torture'. I'm no longer so sure it was a joke. They have managed to duplicate and intensify all of the individual pains I was suffering in the process of isolating their sources and causes.
The rain comes in gusts now, blown at an angle by strong winds. It's heavier than it was the other day and it doesn't slack off. Over an inch will fall this time. Still, it's just rain. Rain brings pain to my arthritis.
The pain is stronger, too. Not much, but it keeps sleep away. I could take a pill but I'm not ready to live in a fog. I'll tough it out a while longer, until the rain passes, and give the exercise and therapy a chance to work.
But I have a new pain now: the Crab walks in my companion's bones.
The doctor says it's a low grade lymphoma, a lazy cancer. Most people who get it die of something else. It tends to be harmless.
We have to determine how severe the infestation is. If is is just one lymph node -- a single tumor 3/4 of an inch across -- then it is Stage 1 and may not even require treatment. The doctor says he himself is at Stage 1 with a tumor over an inch across.
Stages 2 and 3 involve multiple tumors, Stage 3 having tumors both above and below the diaphragm. While more serious than Stage 1, they might require nothing more than continued observation. The tumors have a tendency to come and go without doing any harm.
Stage 4, however, involves other kinds of tissue, usually bone marrow. It should be treated promptly, usually with immunotherapy or chemotherapy.
Stage 4 is detected with a blood test and a bone marrow exam. Delia had her blood drawn this evening and is scheduled for the bone marrow test. The remaining stages are tested with a cat scan, which Delia will schedule soon.
She should know exactly where she stands in 12 days.
Waiting hurts. Whatever the outcome, Delia is living with the Crab. Knowing that and having to accept it also hurts.
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