May 1, 2004

• A Little Trip

  Delia wants to take another little trip to Panama. Her mother, Carmela, is about to die again and Delia wants to see her for the last time again.

  Delia's mother is gravely ill, with the same kind of infection that preceded the death of her sister a couple of years ago. They are unable to control the infection and her fever remains high, as in the case of her sister. But her sister was killed by a doctor acting like a cowboy who went in to do a biopsy, punctured a major blood vessel in the liver without recognizing it, and allowed her to bleed to death internally. The chances were that she could have recovered from the infection itself if the medical intervention had not taken place.

  Carmela has a history of becoming gravely ill until she becomes the center of attention, then recovering completely. She has done this repeatedly for many years. It is like a form of depression that manifests itself in a variety of symptoms, the symptoms evaporating when she gets what she wants.

  Delia, however, is convinced that this really is the final act, that the curtain is about to fall forever. She wants to be there. She also wants our kids, Derek and Cathy, to be there. I don't know what either of them thinks about the illness, but only Delia can afford to make the trip. She wants to pay for all three of them to go.

  I won't stand in her way. If she can talk the kids into going, fine.

  But I got to thinking: What if it was me that was dying?

  If Delia was still around, she would probably be there, directing things, telling everybody what to do, turning my death into a circus sideshow. She does like drama. She does like to be in charge. She does like to see people hustle and scurry, even when it's counterproductive.

  Derek would probably be there, to show his disapproval. Much of what I do disappoints him and I'm sure my death would be yet another disillusionment. I've failed him far too often as it is. He would be quiet and polite most of the time but would get frustrated and start shouting at least once.

  Cathy would almost be there. That is, she would be around but would be off with her friends most of the time. She would be likely to stop in after visiting hours for a few quiet words, when nobody would bother us or pay any attention to what we said.

  Delia's friends would parade by, saying all of the trite things people are expected to say on such occassions. The would come in groups so they could talk with each other and ignore anything I might have to say, nice little reunions with me as the excuse but not a participant.

  My friends might or might not learn about it after everything was all over. Nobody would notify them. Nobody but me knows who they are.

  And the star of the show? If I wasn't completely wonked out on medication, I would probably be wondering how I could get online.

  • 21:57
  • Comments Off